MY LIFE

I have been having sleepless nights recently cos I have been having my cough again and feeliong breathless. Sometimes pain at chest area too. I know this time there is something not right although my last check was ok. But I am not going for any surgery cos it is very painful and it will cost a bomb. The insurance company has already put in papers that they will not pay for any illness that has something to do with diabetics. And also, how many more years do they guarantee after the surgery. I DO NOT want to live that long anyway cos if I am sickly, I will bring alot of inconvenience to my family.

My children seem to be able to take care of themselves. They do not heed my advise anymore. And I think I am begining to be a naggy. I often remind my eldest girl to keep her room tidy, come home early and contribute some help around the house. Each time she cooks something, she will mess up the kitchen. My second one will help to clean up the house as and when she is in the mood and when she does, she will be complaining about her eldest sister. But she fail to realise that she also leave her things around sometimes which result in an arguement most times and me getting frustrated and upset at the same time. And my son, he is in the food line and uses my kitchen often. Each time he cooks, I will get very very upset cos, he will leave it in a massive mess. I get so upset that I could not breath. I even cried out of frustration. He will clean the pots and pans but not properly leaving smell of butter/some sauce cooked with cheese or stew lamb WHICH I DREAD. He will leave bits of veggie/cream and even bread crumbs in the fridge. Plates and glasses used are not properly placed back into the cupboards AND SO ON AND ON AND ON.

Their dad often leave our toilet bowl and the basin dirty. I have to clean it cos I cannot stand it. He will leave the cups all over the kitchen table, his diaries/newspapers everywhere in the hall. He has got about 4 - 5 office bags all over the hall. Oh yes, I do keep them in place once in a while but I got fed-up with it cos the place will look tidy but only for 2 weeks max. Everybody knows how to take towels and bed sheets from my cupboard but never know how to put it back. The 2 girls will NEVER fold the clean laundry. It is mostly done by their father or me and sometimes the brother.

My mistake is, I do everything for them when they were small and when I was much younger. And I had a maid for 2 years. I am not that old now but it is my heart which cannot take all these. When I wash the toilet, I could hardly breath afterwards. Or even when I squat to take a pot or pick some onions or wash the table cloth I feel so tired and breathless. I feel so useless. It is so frustrating when I compare what I can do now and before. I could rearrange the whole house furniture by myself in a day but now, I could not even change my own bedsheet. Sometimes I have to beg or get angry for my sheets to be changed.

The good thing about my children is they are not involved in drugs. That is the only consolation. They always feel that I am domineering. I feel that if I don't tell them, I am not doing my duty but when I tell, they feel I nag too much. The thing is: when I say one time, they NEVER listen. Well, I always say this, probably they will appreciate what I have done and said to them when I am gone.

This may just be a coincidence. I have dreaming about the dead quite often these days. Probably I will meet them soon. My mom died at about the same age as I am now. I am not afraid to go cos I have a lot of friends up there too.